Edit: Hey folks! Thank y'all for the feedback, I'll let you know that I've set this part aside and I'm reworking on it. So thank you all for your help!
This is an excerpt from... yet-to-be-named-feudal-Japan-story (isn't the title simply fantastic?)
It's the introduction of the fourth and final MC, this guy named Sora. Yoru, another MC, kindly agreed to help me with this...
I actually like this scene, but I cannot be impartial in judging my own writing. So I have questions but, to avoid spoilers, I'll put them in the end.
Also, be aware that the story contains some spoilers (revealing the nature of the magic used in the book)
Heavy, black smoke arose from a nearby house, while flames engulfed the wood that . A large crowd had gathered and was trying to put out the fire.
Sora, though, was running in the opposite direction.
A thief. And not an ordinary thief, it seemed. He set a nearby house on fire, waited until everyone was focused on it, then grabbed the weapons from his family’s store.
And he might have gotten away with it, too, if Sora hadn’t turned around at the last moment.
How dare he! How dare he steal, and even worse, damage someone’s house just to steal a weapon!
There he was! Sora recognized a minute figure running away, dressed completely in black, locks of black hair escaped from his bun and flying in the wind.
Sora accelerated, catching up on the thief. He was fast, but no one was faster than Sora. He ran so fast it seemed his feet didn’t even touch the ground.
The world around him became blurry, all his attention on the running boy. In a few seconds, he covered the entire distance that separated them, and reached out to the thief. Sora’s fingers grabbed his kimono’s cape, causing the escapee to lose his balance and fall on the young merchant. He grabbed the boy’s wrist, before staring at him in complete surprise.
It was a girl. nothing more than a little girl, no older than him. Cute, even, if it wasn’t for the scar that ran across her nose. Just a little girl.
Ugh, no. It did not matter if she was a girl. She was always a thief. He should just bring her back, and let her have her right punishment.
The thief grinned and the next thing Sora knew was that he was on the ground, his head aching and the thief running away.
How could she! For an instant, Sora’s vision became blue, a shocking blue that enveloped everything else. A moment later, he was flying over the roofs, over the village, his eyes still focused on the thief who was escaping. He dove, his long, sinuous tail drawing spirals in the air, and forced the thief to the ground with his long claws. She struggled to free herself, but his grip was too powerful. The villagers were looking at him, astounded. He stared at his hand - no, his paw. A tapered, blue paw, ending in long, sharp, black claws. The longer he looked at it, however, the more human it seemed to him - until it was a perfectly normal, human hand, no different than it should have been. He gazed at it in awe, before remembering the thief.
She cursed heavily for a few minutes, and Sora let her do as she pleased, albeit wincing at her language. When she finally calmed down, he loosened her grip and rose, preparing to take her wrist and guide her to his house.
But she wasn’t there anymore.
“Damn it!”
He quickly started running in her direction. She was faster, this time, though, and Sora immediately lost sight of her.
Doooone! Now, the questions - was it confusing? I obviously know what's going on, but you don't (nyah-nyah!), so was it somehow understandable?
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